Our NFL Week 13 Picks

Packers @ Lions

Sunday, 12:30 pm EST

SSS PICK: Lions

Here’s why: So yeah Matt Flynn kinda Foles’d everyone in Green Bay’s last game without Aaron Rodgers. We’re not saying he threw seven TDs or put Rodgers out of a job or anything. Let’s not get crazy. But we ARE saying he’s good enough that Cleveland will probably hit him up to come get injured/boo’d/replaced by some ginger QB in their city sometime.

But he’s not better than Stafford and his team isn’t playing better than the Lions. That’s what Thanksgiving Day’s first matchup comes down to. And after last week’s demolition at the hands of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (yes, you heard that right. That happened), Detroit isn’t about to drop a third game in a row – especially with the NFC North Division title on the line. It’s not like a division win isn’t something to brag about in Detroit or Green Bay – this isn’t the NFC East (suck fest).

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Raiders @ Cowboys

Thursday, 4:30 pm EST

SSS PICK: Cowboys

Here’s why: It’s an unfortunate reality that, sometimes, the Cowboys have gotta win. And this is one of those times (we think). The only validations for a probable Cowboys win: Pryor’s still out, Oakland sucks on the road, and it’s the Raiders, yall. McFadden may be back, but the boy isn’t at 100%, and even if he was, we kind of prefer Rashad Jennings and his 5.7 average yards per carry in the last four games.

We’re still holding out hope that Dallas will be Dallas and lose in some embarrassing fashion after they somehow managed to climb above .500.

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Steelers @ Ravens

Thursday, 8:30 pm EST

SSS PICK: Steelers

Here’s why: Because they’re the f-ing best, yall! Heath Miller, Le’Veon Bell and the NFL’s number one receiver Antonio Brown are about to run all over those silly little Ratbirds in Baltimore like it ain’t no thang. AFC Offensive Player of November, Big Ben-jammin, and AFC Defensive Player of the week, number fo-three Troy P, are gonna make T-Sizzle wish he was back at Ball So Hard University getting his ass beat by every other mediocre Pac-12 team.

Everyone counted the Steelers out after that sweet 0-4 start, but here comes the Super Bowl Champion sweep, yall.

Sorry. Bout it. Suckas.

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Jaguars @ Browns

Sunday, 1:00 pm EST

SSS PICK: Browns

Here’s why: So the Browns are having what we like to call a quarterback dilemma. And what we mean by that is that they all blow like super hard. And now they’re down to one option – the worst option – Weedwhacker.

The Jags, on the other hand, are having what we like to call a normal season in Jacksonville. Sucking.

The Browns are actually competitive defensively. The Jags are competitive at being God-awful.

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Titans @ Colts

Sunday, 1:00 pm EST

SSS PICK: Colts

Here’s why: The Titans have lost five in a row to the Colts and Sunday will make it six, if not for any reason other than the fact that Jim Irsay’s outspoken ass is going off again – on Twitter this time. Apparently it’s time for the Colts to “get our heads out of r butts” and “WAKE UP.”

Oh, and this:
Screen Shot 2013-11-27 at 6.02.21 PM

So, yeah…. Colts. Or Irsay’s gonna blow up Indy.

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Bears @ Vikings

Sunday, 1:00 pm EST

SSS PICK: Vikings

Here’s why: Ok so this was a tough one. Normally I’d instinctively say, “Oh, Bears. Definitely Bears.” This time it’s more like, “Ehhhhh…. Bears? I dunno…. Bears?” I question this matchup because the Bears are relatively good offensively, sure, but can we please talk about their pathetic rush D? Come the f on. Against AP? Get real for a sec. Yeah freaking right the Bears shut down the best running back in the league.

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Dolphins @ Jets

Sunday, 1:00 pm EST

SSS PICK: Jets

Here’s why: Because the Jets lost their last game.

But for the sake of debate, both AFC East teams are 5-6 and have comparable play, but what the Dolphins do have that the Jets don’t, is a full-on high school-esque bullying scandal (I mean really though, Richie should have been a little more “incognito” with his mean girl attempt… but we’re not judging or picking sides. Wait, yes, yes we are…).

Along with their drama, the ‘Phins are looking to have a blistering cold awakening at MetLife, with degrees that are absolutely unheard of in the warm southern state of Florida. Oh, and they have a terrible road game percentage. YIKES. May luck (not Andrew… he’s been blowing it) be with you, Miami.

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Cardinals @ Eagles

Sunday, 1:00 pm EST

SSS PICK: Eagles

Here’s why: The dual of the birdies (Actually, Eagles are pretty bad-A so we’ll call this game the Birdies v. The Birds of Prey.) …Irrelevance aside, both teams have been looking pretty dang stellar lately. Arizona has won their last 4 games in a row and Philly has won their last 3. With consistently impressive stats for both teams’ receivers and defenses, we’re positive the game will fall upon the quarterbacks.

Both Nick Foles and Carson Palmer are rocking completion percentages of 63-and-some-change. Palmer however has launched 15 interceptions, while Foles has thrown zilch (granted, Foles has started less than half of the games Palmer has). But based upon that statistic alone, we’re going to call the Eagles with the W. (It’s just too close to call, otherwise, and yall know it).

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Bucs @ Panthers

Sunday, 1:00 pm EST

SSS PICK: Panthers

Here’s why: We think the Bucs three wins have been total flukes. We wrote Greg Schiano off weeks ago and we’re sticking to that. It feels like the only way the Bucs have a shot in Hell is if Darrell Revis’s balls grow back and he gets over this cute little groin injury of his.

If things go right, the Panthers lock down a franchise-best eight wins in a row. Cam Newton yall. He’s the real deal. Almost as clutch as Big Ben but not as creepy.

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Patriots @ Texans

Sunday, 1:00 pm EST

SSS PICK: Patriots

Here’s why: Because Tom Brady just beat Peyton Manning. The league’s favorite pretty boy just bested the league’s best quarterback (which title is better? we say the latter) and he’ll ride that high for all it’s worth. Brady likes to milk it.

In all honesty, the teams are pretty evenly matched offensively. But the Pats D destroys the Texans defense (or lack thereof), and we still believe that defense wins championships (or, at least games – because neither of these teams are going to the ship). Also, Matt Schaub, so…. Pats.

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Falcons @ Bills

Sunday, 4:05 pm EST

SSS PICK: Bills

Here’s why: Both teams are a far cry from impressive this season. But hold your panties, the Bills have managed to win two more games than Atlanta! With that, we’re going to predict them winning another one over the Falcons this weekend.

Just.Like.That.

Sorry we’re not sorry that this prediction is three sentences long. Any longer than that and we’re bored to f-ing death with these two teams. YAWN times twenty.

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Rams @ Niners

Sunday, 4:05 pm EST

SSS PICK: Niners

Here’s why: The Rams are playing decently. Caaaaan you say TAVON AUSTIN?! And the 49ers are playing decently as well. Caaaan you say Kaep is just average at best?

Because these two decent teams will be playing in decent San Francisco, we’re decently calling the decent home field advantage the  winning factor for this decent game. Plus, Kaep might just have gotten his decent steeze back after last week’s decent win… but probably not. San decent Fran with the decent dub.

Decent.

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Broncos @ Chiefs

Sunday, 4:25 pm EST

SSS PICK: Broncos

Here’s why: It seems like just a week ago these two teams played each other (ok, ok, two weeks ago), but both AFC West teams are back at it this week with another nail-biter. This will once again be an intense battle as both teams have proven to be Super Bowl contenders. Arrowhead stadium has a history of conjuring wins over the Broncos (it’s voodoo, I tell ya!), but Denver is coming in full-throttle to avenge the lackluster loss that the Pats forced (or lack thereof…it was pure, circumstantial luck, or, ya know, cheating) upon them last week.

It’ll be a great game to watch, but because we are biased and that will never change, we predict (slash, we know) that the Broncos will win this one.

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Bengals @ Chargers

Sunday, 4:25 pm EST

SSS PICK: Chargers

Here’s why: In our eyes, the Bolts are just the better team at this point in the season. They came ridiculously close to throwing the Broncos off of their winning roll before the Pats got the job done for them, and they beat their other AFC West rival, the undoubtedly good Kansas City Chiefs, last week.

Yet, with the playoffs in the forefront of the Bengals’ minds, and the Steelers creepin’ up on ‘em real fast, they’ll come in swinging dem paws in full force in San Diego. It’s a toss up, but we’re going with the home team. Ugh.

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Giants @ Redskins

Sunday, 8:30 pm EST

SSS PICK: Giants. Orrr the Skins. Or… wait. Tie?

Here’s why: Oh how we wish that RG3 could be back to better. The fact of the matter is that he’ll never be who he once was (pause to shed a tear, say a prayer, bawl in solemn silence, use your tears as hydration). And with that disappointment comes the obvious fall from grace of the Skins.

We do, however, think this will be a toss-up in DC. Sure, Eli has been playing much better than he was in the first half of the season, but NY has lost three of the last four games versus Washington. Oh, and have we mentioned Mike Shanahan? It’s your call, football fans… for the first time ever, we have no idea.

But… Gmen.

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Saints @ Seahawks

Monday, 8:30 pm EST

SSS PICK: Seahawks

Here’s why: Speaking of voodoo, New Orleans will have to cast some serious black magic on the Seahawks if they want to win in Seattle. With Marshawn Lynch, plus a killer (legitimate to the word) defense, the Seahawks have the tools necessary to beat out the Saints. Even though this game could possibly result in an upset, considering both teams’ impressive seasons, we still think Seattle will win. I mean, they’ve won 13 home games in a row…

Then again, if someone’s gonna break that streak, it’s gonna be Drew Brees.

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