We Back

Sometimes things happen that are out of your control. And instead of ripping out your hair and inhaling 5 pints of Ben & Jerry’s, the best thing you can do is pick your beautiful ass up and start from scratch.

Read above as: our site got deleted. we almost cried but then we remembered we aren’t basic.

5 years of work and nothing to show for it may seem like the worst thing since the Kardashians, and the first time your dad didn’t say, “Kim K-who? Be more specific Chad, there are millions of people named Kim K.”

It’s people like Chad who ruined everything. He probably deleted our site. F-ing Chad.

But we’re just here to say, Chad, that we’re back. With a vengeance. Like Die Hard, except we can’t afford Bruce Willis… yet.

Stick around and we promise we’ll bring you even better content this time around. More frequently, more interactively, and more sarcastically because, hello, a tigress can’t change her stripes even if a CHAD TRIES TO MAKE HER.

love,
S+M

Sports Authority is out in Denver

More news on the Denver Broncos (if you don’t like the Broncos, then get out the SSS kitchen – our biases will not stop):

Last week was the first of training camp for the Denver Broncos, and it was also the first week that their sponsor, Sports Authority, hasn’t been on the backdrop of the pressroom podium. Why, you ask? Well, if you haven’t noticed the huge

“GOING OUT OF BUSINESS. WE ARE SO BROKE, TAKE ANYTHING YOU WANT. FO FREE”

signs hanging out front of every Sports Authority store, then you’re either living under a rock, you’re severely unathletic so you just blur those kind of stores out entirely (America!), or you live in the half of the US that opted out of Sports Authority ownership.

Anyways, what we’re trying to say is that Sports Authority basically made like The Titanic and tanked, declaring bankruptcy back in March, and now they’re facing legal problems with the Mile High team. $36 million dollars was owed to the franchise. We’d be passive aggressively pissed too.

Bummer for SA and bummer for the Broncos, who are in need of a new sponsor. Upkeep of the stadium and future renovations will cost them upwards of a casual $300 million dollars in the next 30 years. Pocket change, really.

Denver isn’t exactly desperate for a new sponsor, considering liquidator Hilco Streambank has agreed to take over the last 5 years of the original SA/DB agreement. But we don’t want that beautiful stadium deemed “HIlco Streambank Stadium at Mile High.” We can’t even say it without slurring (and no we aren’t drunk yet – it’s 11 am, who do you think we are). Zero ring to it. Do not pass go, do not collect $300 mill.

Any offers? Personally, She Speaks Sports Stadium has our vote. We’ll cough up the dough for that.

Kevin Durant what have you done

So in case you’re living under a rock, we’ll fill you in on the latest reason the NBA just got a little more boring.

Kevin Durant, previous small forward for the Oklahoma City Thunder and current big fat traitor, just inked a 2-year, 54.3 million dollar deal with the team that he most recently lost to. Hint: KD just hired a new cook and his name’s Chef Curry.

Now, this could play out one of two ways.

  1. We all know it as: The Law of Diminishing Returns. Typically the best team on paper can’t pull off the only W that matters, at least at first (see: 2011 Heat, 2015 Cavs, etc). Can the Warriors come together to be greater than, or even equal to, the sum of its parts? Unlikely.
  2. KD goes HAM. Steph goes HAM. Clay goes HAM. Draymond goes HAM, pulls a Mike Tyson and bites someone’s ear off. They don’t need a big man bc who needs boards when you got threes for days? Champs.

Call us cynics, but we’re leaning towards the former. If for no other reason than the fact that we do NOT want another year of Warriors regular season domination. Snooze. Fest. What’s the point of the West anymore if GS has such a staggering monopoly?

WHY WE CARE

So six years ago when Lebron bailed out of the Mistake by the Lake and beasted it to South Beach, Durantula had a few choice words for the current MVP…

CmiFO21WEAA_sDC.jpg-large

 

Listen. We understand the NBA, like the NFL and MLB and pro sports alike, is a business. KD wants to win. His plan is to win. We get it. The issue we have with this whole thing is that KD HAD a good team. A legitimate contender. And he just bailed to go kick it with the team who shut down that dream this year?

If the rumors about his tension with Russ West are real talk, then that’s one thing. But if it’s just hearsay to justify his decision to bounce, then ew.

It feels weak. It’s a weak man’s action. Dude. Bro. Stay and fight, with your team, and keep the West competitive. Like you said you wanted? Yes, people are allowed to change their minds, but broooo… you’re a competitor. And this is a cop out.

Coastal Carolina’s Rooster Crowed… Finally

While many of you were working your oh-so-fun, “I never want to leave, I’d rather be working” jobs yesterday, the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers (pronounced SHONT-ti-clear. So posh. Except not, because it’s a rooster) beat out The University of Arizona Wildcats in the NCAA Men’s College World Series. After being postponed the previous night due to lightning, the game was played yesterday morning; which allowed for extra rest and some killer pitching by both teams. It was a quick 9 innings and the Roosters won 4-3.

WHY WE CARE

Because it’s the College World Series, AKA the mecca of college baseball.

AND because it’s the first title in Coastal Carolina’s history. Like, their first title in ANY sport. Which is well-deserved considering the Chants beat out megastars like LSU (killer everything, especially baseball), TCU (always good, when their athletes are eligible…) and Florida (no parenthetical explanation necessary. Tim Tebow blessed this school) in the regular season.

Did we mention that it was also the first championship in a team sport for The Big South Conference? Way. To. Go.

UofA played exceptionally well throughout the series, and with eight championship appearances already, a ninth doesn’t seem hopeless. Except this year. All hope is lost. Pack up and ship out, boys.

Better luck next year, Cats.

(We went to ASU though, so do we really mean that? uhhhhhhhhno)

Vince Wilfork is gracing the pages of ESPN’s Body Issue

Ladies, if you’ve never picked up an ESPN Magazine before, then here’s your chance. The Body Issue releases this month, and well, it’s the only sports mag that you’ll ever need to peruse (men, it will have you foaming at the mouth just like the SI swimsuit edition).

This release showcases athletes baring it all for the sake of… well, showing off. It has highlighted nude and semi-nude photographs of stars like Dwight Howard, Serena Williams, Hope Solo, and Rob Gronkowski, just to name a select few. This year’s edition offers something a little bit different than your normal (if you consider fit AF, professional athletic bodies with 48 pack abs normal) toned bods, thanks to the mighty Vince Wilfork.

Vince who? Mr. Vince Wilfork. The 325 lb (of pure lusciousness) Pro Bowl nose tackle for the Houston Texans.

Why We Care

Because he’s 325 lbs and naked in a national publication, duh.

And he’s awesome. He has the confidence to showcase his teddy bear body to the world, and in turn, empower both men and women to love themselves just the way they are. Aaaand, cue “don’t look at me…” preach, Christina!

In fact, he has some choice words for all you judgy mcjudgersons out there…

“I don’t care what people think. It all starts with yourself. I believe in myself. I love myself. So it’s kind of like, they can shove it up their you-know-whats.”

Yaaaas boy, yaaaas.

He also has a heart of gold, giving most of his time to his foundation, raising awareness and money for diabetes and its victims (don’t be stingy. Donate HERE).

Pick up the issue, out July 6. Mark your calendar. Admire the bods. Love yourself some Vince Wilfork.

Johnny Manziel’s in Cabo

Heeeeeeeere’s Johnny!

In Cabo.

And we sincerely doubt it’s for rehab.

We bet he’s drinking water. Hope it’s not from the tap.

In his latest Instagram post, Johnny’s rocking a Josh Gordon jersey that, in his caption, he claims he’s not taking off all week. That’s good. So he won’t be clean internally OR externally.

Why we care

Last week, Johnny’s dad publicly referred to his son as a “druggie who needs professional help,” and implied his death is impending if he doesn’t. Today, Johnny assured TMZ that his road to sobriety will begin Friday – AFTER this one last bender in Mexico. Just one more time! After this, he’s done. I’ll be a good boy daddy I swear!

We’ve heard that before.

In his caption, Manziel mocked his father’s statements with a #hidad, and claimed some epic comeback is on the way for himself and his brother, perpetually-suspended Browns receiver Josh Gordon.

Dude, let’s start coming back from Mexico before you spout some bs about making it back to the league. In case you don’t recall, no. one. wants. you. They didn’t want you before the domestic violence dispute and the house you trashed in LA. You think they want you now?

Boy bye.

Fantasy Roster: Antonija Misura

OUR SEXIEST ATHLETES

Go ahead and say it out loud: Antonija Misura. Antonija Misura…

Just the added “J” alone in her name makes her sound even more European sexy.  

Ugh. Major girl crush.

This 28 year old is not only a Euro basketball player, but she’s also an Olympian, representing her home country of Croatia. Antonija has been deemed one of women’s basketball’s sexiest people… and we couldn’t agree more.

Standing 5ft 10in with blonde hair, dreamy skin (yeah, I said it) and a killer bod- what’s not to love? And let’s not forget about the fact that she’s an Olympian (as if she’s not perfect enough already) who averages 18 points and 4 assists per game. Chick’s got skills.

Even Nate Robinson agrees with us, tweeting, “Wow Antonija Misura might be the most beautiful woman basketball player ever to lace up some sneakers #sheKiller…”

Unfortunately (or fortunately) there are more half-naked pictures of Antonija than basketball stats, but do we care? No. And neither should you.

Take a second to admire this babe, our newest Fantasy Roster addition:

Fantasy Roster: Girard Pique

OUR SEXIEST ATHLETES

It only seems fitting to add a soccer player to our Fantasy Roster. Why, you ask? Because soccer players are hot. ALL of them.
Like, every. single. one.
And futbol is the most popular sport in the world.
And these pros get PAID. Paid in money, paid in mansions, paid in endorsements… PAID.

We could have chosen David Beckham (we still might.) But we didn’t.
We could have chosen Christian Ronaldo (duh.) But we didn’t.
We could have chosen Landon Donovan (lol, totes kidding. But killer futbol player.) We obviously didn’t.

But who we did choose to be on our Fantasy Roster, is just as Euro, GQ fitted and soccer ball spinnin’ as Beckham and Ronaldo. Ladies and gents, let us introduce you to Gerard Pique, 10-years-younger-hot-man-toy to Shakira. Yes, Shakira.

We do not lie. (And neither do her hips).

Ahhhhh, the spicy is real.

Born in Barcelona, Pique underwent his career in the youth league of FC Barcelona’s club, and then went on to play for Manchester United. He has now moved back to FC Barcelona and also plays for the Spanish National team. Pique’s contract has been extended through 2019. He has won the Breakthrough Player of the Year award, Best Defender awards, as well as won many European Championships, and has been to the FIFA World Cup (where he met his Colombian lover. Fate).

Alright, so it’s clear to see that we just picked Gerard Pique as an outlet to talk about Shakira. Sorry ‘bout it.